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“Collective Minds of Eris’ Children”
Page NINE
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Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)
602. Of itself so. Of itself not so. Of itself itself. Of itself not itself. Of itself...who really fucking gives a damn? It is, it isn't. Whatever ad infinitum.
603. Thusly, is it possible
that one may save or damn one's own self and still make it home in time for
tea. This of course, assumes that one wishes to drink
tea, perhaps one would rather drink coffee, juice, Jack Daniels, or Auqua Vita.
604. All things done with a
single intention are of value, but all things done with no intention whatsoever
are virtuous beyond value.
605. Thought is the greatest cause of suffering, random thought creates random suffering, intent thought creates intent suffering. Better not to think. A mind is a terrible thing.
Saint Grassmower the Second (YUGHI66)
606: That dog is talking to me....weird!
607: Yo Ho and a bottle of rum!
608: See Other Side.....See Other Side......See Other Side.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
609. If a stitch in time saves nine, does a stitch in thyme save dime?
610. We're trying like hell to reach 666, aren't We? Aren't We? AREN'T WE??? ANSWER ME OR DIE, YOU FILTHY DISHRAG SITTING ON MY COUNTERTOP!!! *Nukes it in the microwave at Your mother as She leaves a present on the ground beef is evil.*
611. CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WITH LOUD MOUTHS AND STRONG OPINIONS. Phew-ee! Is it those strong opinions that're making that awful STENCH? Get out a wrench to wrench the stench and throw it on the bench to fence with sixpence and a pocket full of rye. Was I ryet to beat the wheat about the feet with My meat? What a treat to eat, take a seat. What a feat to greet Pete with a table so neat! What's for supper, Ma? We're skipping straight to dessert, it's a Parr Fay! Yipee hooray!
612. All that can be said about reality can be summed up into three simple words: Fuck if I know!
613. Here I leave, don't grieve, You shall recieve a heave and a ho that I got from a massage parlor on Abbey Row from Alli Rowe. Master Fusions, check under the skirt for protrusions, whether or not You like those sort of things. Then sings. Rings and bings and dings and Mings, these are a few of My fav-or-ite things!
(NINJAOCITY)
614. Left and right and ya party all night.
Azure Fox (CAPTAPATHY)
615. And lo, didst the pants get worn, and many gallons of ice cream were consumed, and the Discordians didst continue partying, and the number 35 wast considered, and decided to be a number, and calculus wast determined to be a pain in the wholly arse, and I didst continue seeking the blue notebook, and many deviant were sainted, and pizza wast cooked.
616. And that's not all.
617. Actually, it is.
618. Te-t-te-t-that's all folks!
619. For now.
__new message was posted__
620. And the Azure Fox didst reply unto himself, and his reply was thus:
621. Truly, though, do I, the Azure Fox, find myself in the unique position of a Discordian missionary. (Insert your own cheap sex position joke here.) Actually, I don't, but I wanted to set up whatever lame pun the reader feels necessary to imagine there.
622. In this far-fetched, fucked-up illusion we call reality only for lack of a better name, there are pants. And the pants, the pants, the pants are on fire; the pants, the pants, the pants are on fire. We don't need no mother@*#ckers, burn. Burn mother#@%ckers, burn mother#@%ckers, burn mother@#$ckers, burn.
623. I once ventured far from home, and rather distant even from shortstop, past even right field. And I came upon a hole, a wholly holy holey hole, and I fell into it, and in it was a vast fleet of ducks, which broke my fall. I saw also a smiling man with purple teeth, who said unto me:
624. "Hello, Paco! Welcome to my cheese pit!"
625. I started to interject that my name was not Paco nor was there any amount of cheese visible in the pit, but then realized that my name, when translated into an ancient Atlantean dialect, was Paco, and that the ducks were actually made of cheddar, and I was ankle-deep in cheese.
626. And it was gouda.
627. While pondering this, I saw Jesus driving a VW New Beetle, and he had a bumper sticker that said, "Honk If You're Jesus". And he pulled up and stepped out of his car and said "I'm gother than you!" And I saw his fascination with death and his ridiculous body piercings, and agreed.
628. Then he did recite a short poem:
629. "I was livin' in prison
with the Pope,
and oh my gawd
he dropped the soap!"
630. I applauded quietly, and so did the man with purple teeth, who was the Cheese God, for it was worthy of such praise. And then I did awaken to find an angry Unitarian burning a question mark in my front lawn, but it was okay, because he had gotten the wrong address, and it turned out the whole thing was an elaborate joke orchestrated by Garrison Keillor.
631. Then I sought the Gods of Bumper Stickers, Cheese Pits, and Elaborate Jokes Orchestrated By Garrison Keillor, in order to congratulate them on a job well done. And I found them, and realized that they were all just more aspects of The Goddess, who is known as Eris, Shoikin, Bai Miaxani, and many other names, most of which have multiple aspects in and of themselves.
632. And so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you now I suppose.
Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)
633. Fertility in the minds of the fertile, all things are born, they grow, they die, but hopefully they get laid somewhere along the way. All that lives becomes food for thought, as well as food for others.
634. There are far more evil
things in the universe than spam in a can. Telemarketers,
lawyers, politicians, pontiffs, and Ray Ramano
for example (Everybody DOES NOT Love Raymond).
635. Thusly doth is it to be
sayeth that all is thusly, that is to say
mustard...Pardon me, do you have any Grey Pupon?
636. And now that I'm
reaching deep space, I have only one thing to say: "What's a knockout like
you doing in a computer generated gin joint like this?" Always
wanted to say that, (along with rutabega).
637. Yawn, burp, fart, and
scratch yourself in odd places. It keeps people guessing.
638. The Tao that can be
spoken of is not the real Tao. Unfortunately, nobody can be told what the
Matrix is, they have to see it for themselves.
639. The question remains:
"Where the hell is my Cheeze whiz?"
Pope Fay
(FAYANORA)
640. It was
revealed to Pope Fay that *Telemarketers* are not necessarily evil, but
*telemarketing* IS [evil]. Though by most people's standards, Pope Fay is Evil
with a capital E.
641. Also, Ray
Romano is NOT evil. I am Everyone, and I love Raymond.
Especially his tight ass. (Growls sexily) But prosylatizers are more evil than the evilest evil evilness
imaginable. Because you can tell telemarketers to stop
calling, and they will. But prosylatizers
don't understand the meaning of the word NO.
642. When Pope
Fay saw the cheese pits, she held her nose and said, "Needs some deoderant, you've got limburger cheese in there!" The
stench knocked her out, and she fell in and knocked out the cheese god. And it
was thereby shown that life's the pits when you've got stinky cheese pits. Rub
melted cheddar all over yourself and have a sexy cousin of yours lick it off as
a display of love for the cheese god, whose name is Arterio
Sclerosis.
643. A flying
banana on Meth swooped down and wizzed
on Lord Random, which
the wizz turned out to be Whiz--Cheese Whiz! Then the
banana jizzed on Lord Random, which turned out to be Jizz--Banana Jizz! The fruits of
this endeavor were fudged when Lord Random threw fudge on the wizzing, jizzing banana and
shoved it down his pants. So it became the fruit of his loins, which made a
mess on his Fruit of the Looms. Though he stuck it down the wrong side of his
pants, and thus had some explaining to do to his wife when she discovered them
in the dirty laundry.
644. Decode
this hidden message and win 85 million dollars: *^987098-4ut8gh3m8yfn yfny h4f3n nf 4938hf 43n n9q8h43 f498h3n f943.
Azure Fox
(CAPTAPATHY)
645. And it was revealed that he who is known as Ninjaocity may or may not be friend to the Azure Fox, more than just in the way that all Discordians are friends unless they are playing Go, in the way that he wast the one who first brought the Azure Fox to Discordianism or perhaps brought Discordianism to the Azure Fox or some combination of the two.
646. And if it be so then it is with great fnorditude that I, The Azure Fox, do introduce Pope Jason of Saxon, a.k.a. Bakananeko-san, a.k.a. Evilocity, a.k.a. that guy with the dreds, a.k.a. several other things if I'm not mistaken.
647. Not only that, but I do it before he can. But nonetheless, I implore you, Ninjaocity, whether you be whom I suspect you to be or someone else entirely, to introduce yourself and join these Chaosticky folks in writing this scripture on a more regular basis.
648. For you are of impressive creativity and imagination and insanity, and the forums would be less without you.
JOY (GJOY6669)
649. So join in in perfect trust and total lack of fear, for what you have to say will be read.
650. And there will be sense in nonsense.
651. And there will be nothing outside of the text, as prophetized by Derrida
652. Because there will be a text to say everything, the alpha and the omega, the known and the unknown, the said and the unsaid, the exposed and the secret.
653. And words will not be true of false, because The Word cannot be true or false but can only be The Word.
Pope Fay
(FAYANORA)
654. Then Pope Fay was shat out of the arse of SITEL, exiled once more the the Land of Unemployment. So she cried out about the unfairness of it all, and filed for unemployment. A lot of work for 64 dollars a week it will be, but all the better to piss off SITEL, for they shall contest it. (Why? That will be revealed when Hell freezes over.)
655. Pope Fay, angered though she was by it all, nodded vigorously at Azure Fox and Joy for adding to the scripture, and began to sing about elephants on crack. But truly the most amazing thing happened. Hold on a moment, I must find the tape... *on-hold music, noises in background*
656. AHA! Here it is: "The Book of Shao'Kehn" began to be revealed by the Goddess Shao'Kehn in a most unusual manner (for Her at least). For it was revealed by Fay dancing ritualistically for Her and herself, going into a trance, invoking Shao'Kehn's essence into herself, and speaking while a tape recorder was recording what They said.
657. Four rituals so far hath been done, much Chaos wisdom has been revealed. This is a truly Inspired document, much as The Book of Coming Forth By Night was inspired by Set unto Michael Aquino. Speaking of which, where'd I leave my CD of Sinatra music?
658. Yet Shao'Kehn, being unimpressed, said unto Joy: "That's all you got? Cummon, I know you got more! MOREMOREMOREMORE!!!" And Shao'Kehn did beat upon the table with Her utensils (a tuning fork and the spoon of a hand-grenade), calling out for more more reels and more moray eels of scripture.
659. Then The Wyld Womun, an Aspect of Shao'Kehn, danced wildly around a fire, and the sparks from the fire flew up and became stars, so that Star Trek and Star Wars could result. Then, while dancing, She threw Herself into the fire (still dancing) and became a phoenix... She burned Herself alive on the pyre (becoming The Dark Mother) and was reborn from the ashes... representing that life, being full of chaos in itself, can survive chaos very well.
Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)
660. And thus it was revealed to all and all alike that eating beans while working in a match factory may be hazardous to one's health.
661. But alas there is naught but the probable possible and inconceivable conclusion that all is not what it seems but what it is without all the stupid mucking about one does in trying to determine what it might be. Sense is found not in breaking down, but in seeing the whole for what it is. Cents are found by looking in couch cushions.
662. And thus so maybe it is and maybe it is naught, but that is really not that big of a deal, as whatever might be and whatever is are not necessarily divorced from one another, but are merely statistical probabilities on a logrithm which is to say that they might be but aren't certainly definitite as to whether they WILL be, but that's ok because nobody really wants to know. Cassandra deserved exactly what she got.
663. And so it goes, but whence, nobody knows, nobody knows thusly it is a function of Random House, which might be a publishing firm, but also might be something else entirely. The proper application of mathematical theorums to this specific situation would be about as sensible as attacking a Mack truck with a cheese grater.
664. And thus the approaching barrier is not one merely of sight and sound, but of dementia. Delusional facades of illusion abound in the collective conscious of the media and the people who attend their temple religiously. The truth may be a virus, but most have been innoculated against it. The underlying theme of intuitive collective unconscious is available only if one is familiar with the proper sequence as keyed through the pineal gland in the proper order, of which, it has none. To become one with the creator, masturbate regularly.
665. And thus, may the coarse be with you, woolrich and brushings tilt a wizard and get a prize. For one may never know where the end is to be found and where a new beginning shall arrive. And though they may be parted, there is still a chance... (BANG!) not a chance that they will see...there will be no answers, let it bleed.
The last one is Fayes...if indeed she still wants to end with the next number...
Saint Grassmower the Second (YUGHI66)
666 HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHA WE WON, YOU SHALL BE OVERTAKEN!
667 Mmm, okay....so you said your mother hit you and your father fucked you. Mmm....tell me about your sister!
Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)
Dude, the last one is Fayes...she
called it a while ago...Maybe we can start a new one?
Saint Grassmower the Second (YUGHI66)
Well, just like the OT and the NT. We could call this one the OT and the new one the NT.
Makes is just more understandable!
Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)
Only we need to be more
clever and witty about it....hmmm. I'll have to give it some thought. I have
been compiling my own "Discordian Concordence" as has Faye and many others. I have
several "Books," one being Random Numbers, another being The Discordian Fields Sutra, and I'm
considering a few others...
Pope Fay
(FAYANORA)
666. "HEAR YE, HEAR YE! May it be now decreed on Papal Bull #1666, signed by Pope Fay djairself, this:
I, Pope Fay, being The Divine Handmaiden, Prophet,
Lover, and Cookie Counter for Her Divine Divine-ness Shao'Kehn (Lady of Troubled Children Sniffing Sugar, Lady of
Sharp Objects Flung At Evangelical Fundamentalists,
and Lady of Random Shit Falling Out of the Sky) hereby takes the number
666 despite the rogue scoundrel Yughi's injust theft of said number. So there it be,
Me Boy-o!
Yet let it also be known that, since forgiveness is Divine, and
I, Pope Fay, am Divine, I hereby and herewith forgive the rogue scoundrel Yughi his many misdeeds. He will be let off with a spanking
of an erotic nature. Here, now, Yughi: have a
chocolate-chip cookie.
End of Papal Bull. Go about ye business now."
667. The next day, a package arrived in the mail for Yughi
from UPS. It was large enough to hold a small refridgerator
in it, and very heavy. There was no return address, but as it said "Pope
Fay" all over the box, Yughi felt it safe to
open (though he was wary and sweaty with nervousness, for he had stolen the
sacred triple-six number from Her) Inside he found bubble-wrap and packing
peanuts, protecting something golden. He spent hours getting all
the bubble wrap and packing peanuts out, and when he was done, there was
a small golden box the size of a pack of cigarettes lying at the bottom. He
took it out, opened it up, and found inside it a slightly smaller box. On and
on this went, until he finally found a piece of paper folded up until it was
the size of a thumbnail. He carefully unfolded it, and read the message: "Yughi, you are one wierd duck. --Pope Fay"
668. Lord Random Hearse also recieved a
similar package, and within was no bubble wrap, but just a shoebox. Inside the
shoebox was a message. That message said: "The sign of a true friend is
one who will beat the crap out of those who steal saved seats and saved numbers
in scripture. As you were only able to beat him up by proxy, and as I (Pope
Fay) disapprove of beating up friends, I hereby grant you the title of King.
For I have no idea where I'm going with this. If this made any sense, please
send a check in the amount of $20.00 to Tristan Arts at Anita, Iowa 50020.
Peace!" The message then turned into smoke, and the smoke became a
baseball bat and fell to the floor.
669. At least I got 669 without anyone grabbing it first.
670. Then lightning struck a tree nearby to Pope Fay, and within was revealed a
tunnel with stairs leading down it. Pope Fay walked down the stairs, counting
the steps. She counted and counted, counting past #666. She wanted to stop
counting, but could not.
Finally, she reached step #999, and came to a large room with a naked woman
meditating in the exact center of it. She was beautiful--her skin was a
luscious golden-brown, her hair black, her body's contours perfect beyond
logic, and her crotch free of hair. She had a knife in each hand, though. Long,
wicked-looking knives they were! Pope Fay might have been both scared and
turned on at once, but she recognized the nude woman. It was Shoikin (AKA
Shao'Kehn, AKA The Dark Mother, AKA That Mysterious
Dark Woman, AKA The Loving Bitch Wot Done It All).
671. Perplexed, Pope Fay walked towards the nude form of Shoikin (who had Her head bowed and eyes closed as She was meditating), and
attempted to snap Her out of it. Something then pushed Fay back to about ten
feet away from Her. Shoikin then slowly raised Her head toward Pope Fay, until finally it stopped. Then She slowly opened Her eyes until the white-hot flames of Her
Chaos shone in their full glory from Her eyes. Then, without moving Her lips, She spoke in an
overly-dramatic-movie-scene-with-the-deep-and-echoing-voice-of-gawd type voice,
saying:
Who dare disturbs My slumber?
"Um... it's Me, Pope Fay. What's with all the
dramatics?"
Her eyes burned bright still,
there was an awkward silence for a while. Then She
spoke again.
Um... sorry about that Fay.
Eh hem... how many steps did you count, coming down?
"Nine-hundred and ninty-nine, My Lady."
Good, that's good. Do you know what that number means?
"Uh... no, I don't."
Didn't think you would. Anyway, here it be: That is to be the next number for you to reach in this
scripture.
I whined. "Awwwww, do I havta?"
Uh... no. But you're
writing this, remember?
"Oh yeah. Thanks for
reminding me."
No problem, Thiiah Tahlahv.
She then closed Her eyes again and bowed Her head once
more.
672. I have reason to believe that it may be another Aspect of Her, as well.
FNORD!
And "Thiiah Tahlahv" means "My
Lover."
Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)
673. That which is may be found only by discovering that which isn’t. That which isn’t is found by removing that which is. That which neither is nor isn’t, is not to be trifled with. That which is, but isn't sure what it is not is confused. That which isn't, but is sure that it isn't confused, is probably only the minute nightmares of a flea.
674. Is you is or is you ain’t my baby?
675. Is not! Is so! Is not! Is so! Is so! Is not! Gotcha!
676. Where is? Who is? What is? How is? Why is?
677. Is why? Is how? Is what? Is who? Is Where?
678. It just is. Why ask why?
Azure Fox
(CAPTAPATHY)
679. The Azure Fox wast verily constipated, as punishment for his long abscence from these wholly script-sures. And then he didst purchase at Byerly's a pack of Flax Seeds, whose weight wast that of one pound eight ounces. And he didst read the label, which didst profess of the flax seed's use as a mild laxative. And he didst partake of the flax seed, and wast relieved of his punishment.
680. And he didst read further, and learned that flax was eaten like nuts by the Romans and Greeks. And so perhaps was it that the aspects of Divine Chaos known as Eris and Discordia didst come to be, that is through the eating of flax.
681. By all this, the Azure Fox wast greatly amused.
682. Later that day, AF stopped writing script-sures in that old style, with the 'wasts' and such. Instead, he wrote them as they came to him.
683. Death rides a pale horse. I ride a blue Harley with missles on it.
684. Cannaballistic Hello Kitty says:
685. "And everybody say... Yatta!"
686. It has been decreed that there will be no script-sure verse 686, by the authority of my pants.
Pope Fay
(FAYANORA)
687. There is
no greater authority than "my pants," even Eris
bows to their whim, once She gets a whiff of them, for
lo! The wearer of "my pants" wore no underwear, so they stank with
much skank! They smelled to High Heaven, where
Heaven's Hosts and Guests were getting High on methane fumes. Methane fumes cause more damage to the ozone layer than cars do,
especially cow doo doo. Do
not think, then, that Nothing has no effect on the environment, for all those
cows saying Mu (Nothing) are fucking us up big time.
And no, I don't mean barnyard porn.
That's Eris for you!
688. Whack
Hacks with sacks of flax for great sax!
689. The
reader of this sentence is a genuine and authorized literate. Please treat them
well. Good until death do us party.
Joy to the World (GJOY6669)
690. ADDY BEAUTY SOAP. "ADDY" BRAND SERIES BEAUTY SOAPS of jasmin, rose, ginseng, bouquet, etc, are the results of the development of "ADDY" SANDALWOOD SOAP. They are a series of products, made of selected materials and give you delightful and lasting fragrance. They not only possess all the merits a beauty soap may have, but also do not harm whatever your skin, just try it, and you will see our most sincere recomendation is rather convinving. SHANGHAI CHINA
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
691. Pope Fay bought ADDY brand soap despite sharp words from hir daddy. The soap from shanghai got her shanghaied and she washanged high up on the Tree of Life.
692. Shao'Kehn then descended from the sky in a joystick-controlled UFO and screamed, “ERIS REPRESENTS CHAOS WITHOUT PURPOSE, ORDER IMPOSED ON CHAOS WITH NO PURPOSE IN MIND. I, SHAO'KEHN, REPRESENT CHAOS WITH A PURPOSE! I AM THE OPPONENT, I AM SHE WHO CHALLENGES YOU TO BETTER YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE! I AM THE PRIZE AT THE END OF THE FIERY TUNNEL! THOUGH YOU MAY BURN ALIVE IN TORTURE ALONG THAT PATH, I WILL BE THERE AT THE END TO COMFORT YOU AND SHOW YOU WHAT YOU HAVE GAINED! IF YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WHERE YOU ARE, IF YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO LIKES DEITIES WHO MAKE YOU FEEL WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE AND DO NOT CHALLENGE YOU IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM TO BETTER YOURSELF, THEN I AM NOT FOR YOU! I AM NOT FOR THE TIMID! NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF UP THE ASS AND EJACULATE UNTIL YOU CURE YOUR CONSTIPATION! IF YOU HAVE NO PENIS TO FUCK OR EJACULATE WITH, THEN RAM YOUR FIST UP YOUR ASSHOLE UNTIL YOU CAN PUSH THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!”
[We apologize for Shao-Kehn’s outburst. She was having a monster period that month.]