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“Collective Minds of Eris’ Children”
Page TEN
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692 and 1/2. And the Azure Fox did appear in a great flash of mediocrity and bleh-ness. And he did speak, and his voice was as that of a mortal man, only perhaps more bland. And his words were such:
693. "I must apologize, for I have been gone long, and in my abscence the scripture has been about as active as it was when I was here, and thus was it shown to me how little I actually matter; but, nonetheless, I have returned anew, and shalt attempt to do something that would be revitalizing if these scriptures had ever slackened in the first place, and most likely I shall fail. But alas, it has been revealed to me that this is to be my fate, and I shall enjoy it as much as I can, and it probably won't end up being like that after all, seeing as that fate deal ain't all it's cracked up to be anyways. But I digress, though actually I don't, because to digress there is required a solid basis to digress from, and that is surely absent here."
694. And the giant monkey mecha faced off with the evil demon-ghost-zombie-pirate-captain-giant-statue LeChuck, and the events which led up to this occurence were odd indeed, as befits a LucasArts product, and didst involve an election, an Australian land developer, an enchanted figurehead, a duck, and a diving competition, among other things.
695. And it was revealed in verse 695 that there would be no verse 696 following verse 695 but rather there would be a verse 696 following verse 697 and that said verse 697 would immediately follow verse 695.
697. As the great Doctor, Paul Son of Ander, once said, "If you say anything... I'll deny it!"
696. Cackling unemployed English majors write the New York Times crossword puzzle; if they don't, they should, anyway. My spoon is too large; I am a banana! Carpet bombing!!!
698. And it was revealed that, within the first pages of The Azure Fox's 3rd grade yearbook was told the story of Eris and the Golden Apple. And it was thought by many of those who knew not what they were talking about but at least were aware that they knew not what the were talking about that this revelation didst explain much, none of it fully nor satisfactorily but simply... simply. Truly, The Azure Fox himself wast greatly amused, so much that he didst smile briefly.
699. And it was also revealed that this verse's number wast the number of pennies it wouldst require to purchase The Azure Fox's soul. (For a limited time only, while supplies last, see store for details)
700. Then was the verse 700 taken for no good reason other
than to take the verse 700 and thus prevent those with good reasons from using
it. WHIMS FOR PRESIDENT!!!
701. And it was hidden that Reverend Beautiful Pyre, AKA Pope Fay, wast glad in heart to see this scripture revived, though it matters no more or less than all other scriptures ever written.
702. It was revealed that you should read "The New Revelations: A Conversation With God" By Neale Donald Walsch, as he is hidden to be a Discordian Saint for having God/dess speaking through him to bash the "spiritually arrogant," AKA fundies.
703. Why read this? Because there are a great many people in the world who need to read this book and heed its words. God/dess is telling us all there in plain English that we need to stop arguing over the details of these "holy books" and live in the spirit of what they preach. Understanding, Acceptance, and Respect of Others is what they all deep down say. We make Earth our own living hell by refusing to understand others, accepting that they're different, and not respecting those who deserve respect. WAKE UP, PEOPLE! God is telling us that we're making our own hell by our own actions! War makes more war, murder makes more murder, evil begets itself and often comes in the guise of Good. Those who are most assured that they are Good and others are not are the evil ones! We will not escape this hell unless we Understand, Accept, and Respect!
704. I am an abalone, do you believe that bologna?
705. Let it be revealed that Rev. Beautiful Pyre is working on a scripture that touches on many subjects, to cash in on the kind of thing Neale Donald Walsch is doing.
706. And it ain't this one. It's not even all that Discordian (humour-wise).
707. And thus out of sheer Farfegnugen and assorted whores 'devores did Lord Random make his usual return to life as he never knew it and never cared for it to be.
708. Thusly did Lord Random realize that his java cup was empty and the maker was still brewing and he would have to wait for his precious cup of piping hot stimulant in a mug. This doth did nothing for his sour mood or semi-sweet personality, but alas, many hurdles must we all face in the race of life, knowing full well the game is fixed and sooner or later we cross the finish line and croak... some painfully.
709. Lord Random shrugged his shoulders in his lethargic and absolutely abject apathy and decided to go and uselessly urge the coffee maker on, as effectual as pushing the croswalk signal 70 times in a second, or even the elevator buttons, as both work on randomizers like the ones found in slot machines.
710. And thus did the corporate culture open its tremendous maw and consume Lord Random in a single bite, and then required extreme doses of mylanta and zantac for the indigestion he caused.
711. And didst the desert sky turn strangely grey and drops of water did fall from it. And the people all stopped their busy day to marvel in amazement. "What an amazing thing!" Did they all say. Water in the desert, who'd have thunk it?
712. The endless array of computer parts, periphrials, and componants beckoned the ever lazy Lord Random, as he contemplated his navel lint, and considered the fact that as a Field Service Engineer, he had best go do some Field Service, before he is caught slacking in the office for no particular reason, which is in line with his most slothful of temperaments.
Pope Joy (GJOY6669)
713 Lord Random was, indeed, caught slacking in the office.
714 Pope Joy did not do her schoolwork.
Lord Random Hearse
(TANSTAAFL28)
715. And thus did Lord Random sit and sip his black java (no sugar) as he contemplated the pre-interview screening for a helpdesk position which would afford him a steady schedule and a chance at more education to further immesh him in the greyfaced world. "Aw hell." Said he."
716. And with those brave words, Anatman didst become at least partially black, blue, purple, and brown, for these are the colors of the brainrow.
(go on)
Pope Joy (GJOY6669)
717. Pope Joy still have not done her homework.
718. Or maybe she did, but her teachers just kept asking for more and more.
719. And she kept sleeping late and daydreaming.
Azure Fox - Kitsune
of Stuff (CAPTAPATHY)
720. And so Pope The Azure Fox Katsuro the Somewhat-But-Not-All-That-Okay, Kitsune o' Stuff, Lord of the Wystes of the Bottoms of his Feet, Patron Saint of Unidentifiable Brown Fuzzy Things and Single-Pair Socks, Emperor-In-Exile-In-Overcoats, True Guardian of the Semi-Sweet Chocolate, Seeker of the Blue Notebook, He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Ankle-Bitten, Lyricist-In-Chief of the Association Against The Proliferation Of Organizations Promoting Pants, Minneapolis Branch; Co-Author of the Autobiographically Legitimate Wholly Book known only as the Collected Ravings And Prevarications Of Lawrd Azurefox (C.R.A.P.O.L.A. for short), Realizer of Many Untruths; didst deem it necessary to remind all present, past, and future of his now even more absurdly long name.
721. And in seeing this didst many rejoice, and yet many more didst smacketh him with cod. And Pope The Azure Fox Katsuro etc., etc., wast muchly heartened by this attention, and didst smacketh backeth many with a Macketh truck.
722. Then he spake, and his words were such:
723. "When in doubt, use a trout!"
724. And it was clear to all assembled that there was a remote possibility of divine inspiration in these words, though likely they were just something Pope The Azure Fox had picked up subconsciously. Many then pondered whether or not both conditions were true.
725. The Azure Fox didst clear the air, sayething:
726. "Haven't you figured it out? Both conditions are true. Also, each one is true at the expense of the other's verity. Still yet, both conditions are quite false. It is all meaningless!"
727. Then The Azure Fox didst clear the area by polluting the air with biologically produced methane.
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL28)
728. The Greek Anti-Beano league convened on the spot to award Azure Fox their prestigeous "Blue Flame Award for Excellence in Flatulation," which comes complete with an eternal flame for viewing pleasure.
729. And now for something completely different- let us rinse and spin cycle!
730. And thus was there much soap water and gas bubbling and frothing about, which included a brown trout.
731. And thus did Lord Random excel at avoiding responsibility yet again, as he contemplates the possibility of working at a computer helpdesk for more money, benefits, and set schedule.
Pope Joy (GJOY6669)
732. And thus 732 was no different from 734.
733. Indeed
734. And thus 732 was no different form 734.
Lord Random Hearse
(TANSTAAFL28)
735. And if it were true
736. That you were feeling blue
737. I would gladly turn to you
738. And give you my stew
739. Has anyone seen my other shoe?
Reverend Beautiful Pyre, AKA Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
740. Reverend Beautiful Pyre had rolled the log over in the pyre of this thread to see it glow briefly red, then left assuming it would die down again. In that time, she got a job working at a factory making sports attire ("Be an athletic supporter!") and became a Dark Pagan even more so than she had before, burning black candles and trying BDSM with her Goddess.
741. So very surprised was she to come back, finding that people had thrown more fuel on the fire, and the thread was rising from the ashes like a regular Phoenix, Arizona.
742. Reverend Beautiful Pyre then did appear with a large entourage of her
devoted followers (mostly imaginary) all bedecked in riches beyond imagining,
and paraded down towards Lord Random Hearse or whatever his name is. She then signalled to one of her servants to hand her the golden
box. She took the box and had Lord Random get one one
knee before her.
"Lord Random," she did say, "I give you this gift from our
people in honour of our friendship. May it bring you
much joy."
Lord Random then opened the gold box, and inside was a package of a wonderful,
novel thing known by her people as "instant coffee."
"Heat up water in your microwave, pour some in your cup, then put a
spoonful of this magick powder in your glass and stir
it--it will transform into coffee."
Lord Random just stared at it.
743. Then the Demon Spwiiohk, who is the Demon of
Death, appeared, a grotesque and half-dead doglike creature with three eyes
(one just an empty socket). He screamed an unearthly animaloid
scream, and spoke with his mind, in raspy rattling words that sent two or three
shudders down the spine with every word, like a dead hand touching you in
strange places.
"Life is always running towards NO finish line. Life is running from Me,
from Death and Entropy. You humans are learning to run faster, and Shao'Kehn
gave you the ability to eventually learn how to no longer need to run from Me,
but I swear to you all that I will try My hardest not to let that happen! I
will lurk forever just around the corner, and the instant you think you may
have discovered the secret, I will take you away!"
With that, Rev. Beautiful Pyre shot an arrow in Spwiiohk's
butt and He went running away screaming.
744. Actually, there are quite large flash floods in the desert every now and then. Proof of Eris/Shoikin.
745. More later.
Lord Random Hearse
(TANSTAAFL28)
746. Just when you think it's safe to come outside, it's not, because floods in the desert and Fiery Phoenixes are leaving large droppings all over your yard! Of course between the water and the fire, all that really happens is everything gets sort of charred black and wet. Good for future crops I hear.
747. Alas, Lord Random, the fly in the ointment, the ghost in the machine, having a complete lack of understanding of social decorum and graces has yet again dug a hole for himself in his life that seems terribly precarious and not quite unreal. But of course this just demonstrates that he is a true agent of chaos and that there is much more work for him to do.
748. And thus does Lord Random shift his focus for just a moment, and in the glare of the sun, he doth loses his prey, but hark! He finds it yet again...charging his hose, he lets loose a volley of concentrated java juice, garanteed to send slumber, yawns, and even death packing. The unfortunate side effect of the java injection seems to be able to reanimate the dead, causing mass confusion, a number of very scary schlock movies, and a popular line of video games. It also seems to have caused an increase in shotgun sales.
749. For this is the way of things, all things must for some time win, and then lose. All things that come around, go around, like a really stubborn case of the clap. It is all part of the scheme, just whose scheme, nobody is certain, but it all seems to be something for nothing and your chicks for free.
750: And then thusly the toga toms thought though they thought "This thought, 'twill take time" so the killed themselves, for time was not thirs to take
751: If caught smoking, we will think you are on fire, and thusly begin to bow and praise the mystical fire resistant creature from then on known as "Asbestos boy, winner of battles, eater of fire, dancer with fairys, homosexual on tuesdays, mirthful with rabits, and master of the exceedingly painfully hurtfully overadverbedly useless but vauguely entertaining in some form or another title" Unless it's fink time.
752: EVERY time is fink time
753: Smile, dammit.
754: I like this number, but I cannot explain why, for iff'n
I do, then surely will I die
Holy Poingyship (GJOY6669)
755. So Ninjaocity made people die by making them think about the number about which thou shall not think.
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL28)
756. And yet the Goddess in her infinite wisdom may grant those who are devoted and worthy, life renew'd by their thinking chaotic and happy thoughts.
757. When given the moment of truth- Lord Random is supposed to be learning new software for his new job, but instead would rather write scripture.
758. The means and ends which justify each other have little in common exept that they are slapped together by well meaning but morally discharged enimas on a stick.
759. And the holy inseminator would grant but one wish to those who ask her, but the fertile mind is but another part of the fertile body, and both must be fertile lest they become fertilizer.
760. The true test of a keyboard rest: if it smells bad, it is probably good.
761. And alas, the great genius that was supposed to be here was lost in an accidental network failure. Thus can it sadly be said that there is a distinct lack of anything coherent for art such as this cannot be reproduced at any cost, hence the reason why they refer to it as priceless.
762. I can't go on...I can't go on! Albino Pigeons! Albino Pigeons!
763. This line intentionally left blank.
764. This line wasn't left blank, but was actually surplus.
765. This line went to the market.
766. This line stayed home.
767. This line had roast beef.
768. This line had none.
769. This line went wee-wee, before he got home.
770. We hope you've unzipped your fly and are now free to move about the cabin.
Arkadius... Harbinger Of
Death (ARKADIUSTIME)
771. Never Piss A Man Named Arkadius Off.
772. Pray You Never Tick A Man Named Arkadius Off.
773. If You Piss A Man Named Arkadius Off... Run Fast.
774. Arkadius Is Insane... See Him With A Rubber Chicken Your Gonna Die.
775. Never Say Arkadius's Cooking Is Horrible.
776. Arkadius Is God Of The Bathroom.
777. Arkadius Laughs When Hell Is Cold And Heaven rocks.
778. Never Wreak A Antique Car.
779. Nothing Is As Simple As Arkadius Can Do It.
780. Arkadius Crashes More Computers In A Week Than You Can In your Life.
781. Arkadius Is Insane.
Reverend Beautiful Pyre (FAYANORA)
782. Stuck in a rut and clapping at the clap joke while choking a broke bloke who broke the one toke over the line that sweet Jesus loved to smoke while being a rookie at nookie and nodley nodley nodley, nodley. Nodley? Nodley!
783. And Lo! And High! Princess Very Merry Cherry, Pope Fay's little sister, invented her own language. Here are all the words in that language:
A. Nodley.
B. nodley.
C. noodley.
784. HUGE list, ain't it?
785. And it was teasingly revealed like a woman showing her ankles that "nodley" and "noodley" can mean anything.
786. A Nodley was going to the nodley to so some nodley stuff when a fellow Nodley and his Nodley's in-nodley from Nodley suddenly stripped nodley and had nodley nodley on the nodley. How nodley is that? I think I'm going to go to the bathroom and nodley until I nodley nodley all over the nodley.
787. You nodley of hearing the word nodley? Nodley am I. But nodley it, I don't nodley about your petty nodleys. Nodley nodley nodley nodley nodley nodley nodley!!! I nodley on your nodleying nodleys!
788. I am the God of Nodley.
789. And nodley nodley and Nodley like to nodley nodley in my nodley.
790. Enough of that BS now, FNORD!
791. Life is unfair. Why? Because of the faireys and unfaireys. Faireys go around spreading fair-amones to try to make life fair. These were created by Eris. But Greyface created unfaireys and made them breed like horny nymphomaniac rabbits. Unfaireys spread unfair-ugh-moans to make life unfair. So if you want life to be unfair, be a Discordian and buy an Unfairey Trap (the inhumane kind, they're not attracted to humane traps).
_
792. Welcome, oh Harbinger. Don't let the Unfaireys spray you with unfair-ugh-moans.
Holy Poingyship (GJOY6669)
793. Fnordley.
Reverend Beautiful Pyre (FAYANORA)
794. Chris Fnordley?
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL!)
795. Suffice to say that one may be confident that pissing off anyone is a business which leads to suffering for someone, not pissing off others may also lead to suffering, but who knows if pissing off everyone can lead to anything other than ignorance. Posit the question to a burning Bush covered in black gold and red blood.
796. Thusly canst we consider the puzzling question of dogma. For it is the nature of most religious types to speak in riddles and tongues which only they may understand, thus creating a mystique which only they may translate for the good of all. The ivory tower is made of clay as the heels of heros are cloven with good intentions and garlic.
797. If thou art pert, thus thou art pert plus, shampoo and conditioner in one. Convenience is the sword which provides chaos and order in one stroke. For the more we become dependent on convenience, the less we may rely on ourselves when the feces fan is turned on.
798. Das telephone klingelt. Ist die Mutter fahrt? Goddess knows, and if she knows, then probably so does most everyone else. Who cares? Not I, for I am not one who wonders too much in German, or any other language. Knowledge is not something that must be sought, for knowledge comes to all those who breathe...even those who snore or have chronic halitosis.
799. I am sitting on my shirt with my boxers on my head. I can see to type by only the slit in the front. Discover new fashion statements when using the computer is no better or worse than the Emperor's new clothes on a sunny day in Iraq. But alas, there is much in the way of chaos and confusion as war mongering no longer the province of the enemy has done as it would and become the ally. The great cycle has spoken and for a lack of a greater enemy, we must fulfill that role ourselves.
800. When it's Yin, it cannot be Yang, When it is Yang, it cannot be Yin, but since both are neither and neither are both, the Tao must encompass the ALL and thus Yin and Yang are indivisible and indistinguishable. We are all both and neither, empty so that we may be filled. Afraid so we may be courageous, and posed so we may be photographed. Ignorance is a virus, and enlightenment, the only cure. Everything that is something is really nothing which makes it relative. We are the web of all things connected by more than words, thoughts, emotions, dreams, even electroshock treatments.
801. Remember that only that which is now is important, cling to the past or grasp at the future and the present is lost. If one wants true happiness there is no secret- simply be happy. If one wants to end suffering, there is no riddle, exert nothing needlessly. If one desires pleasure, one must find it in the grains of sand before them, and not drink too deeply of the well. Seekers do well to stop seeking. Lovers do well to love themselves before they love others. The natural order is found in chaos, we achieve not by creating order, but by finding it within the waves of chaos. Book a vacation and go surfing every day.
Reverend Beautiful Pyre (FAYANORA)
802. It is said that silence is golden but in truth, true silence is eerie and creepy. Death is the ultimate silence, find a nice place so quiet that it's creepy and get to know Death without being in danger. I've met him, a strange fellow indeed, but he makes good martinis.
803. If silence is not golden, then words are some other metal. Some peoples' words are lead, driving you crazy if you listen too much. Others speak words of copper, maleable and sort of pretty. Others have iron words, cold and hard. And still others speak words of platinum, and forsooth does humanity drive itself more crazy over such words than it does over the words of lead, for wars, racism, bigotry, hatred, and televangelists are spawned by the fight over platinum words. But they cease to recognize that there are so many platinum words that the market price should make it cheaper than lead, but the price is still too high.
804. Love is the little fire we use to keep ourselves warm in the cold, cold winter of the world. At night, the stars smile at us to show us there IS warmth in the world, somewhere. Never let your flame go out.
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL!)
805. I am he who stands between the door of love and hate. I am Hee who stands before the door of Haw. I am he who does not give and does not take. I am he who inseminates virgins at random that they may conceive of a notion greater than themselves.
806. I am none of these things. I am the Golden Fognobber.
807. Boing. Boing. Bling.
808. That which is written is written so that which is read is not understood. This is the nature of things. That which is thought is thinking that should not be understood. That too is the nature of things. That which is before or after thought is probably too much wisdom for any one being to handle and therefore is never understood. You pays your money, you takes your chances. Understand?
809. When in doubt...PANIC! It'll give everyone else amusement.
810. When those around you are losing it, scoop it all up and save it, you might need it later.