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“Collective Minds of Eris’
Children”
Page FOUR
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LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)
179. And Lord Random wondered if Faye would fit into his pants with him still in them and this thought was perplexing, but did Lord Random fall victim to the truth of all men: while they may have two "heads," they only have enough blood to use one of them at a time, and thus did Lord Random cease thinking with one and start thinking with the other.
180. And thus did everything and anything happen in the frolicking sense of the word, and it was poker and liquor all night, or poke her and lick her all night depending on how one chooses to interpret inuendo as subtle as a 1000 pound brick dropped from a tall building in a single bound.
181. And did Lord Random feel like that brick fell on him, as he spent 13 hours installing pharmacy computers in another part of his life to be mentioned at a later date, which is to say that it happens when he isn't off running amuck with sensuous Discoridan Popes or contemplating his navel lint.
182. About this time did three giraffes a chimpanzee, and two kookaburas stroll in asking about Belgian waffles at one of the Casinos on the Vegas Strip, Lord Random declined to comment invoking the fifth ammendment. "Jack Daniels" he said.
183. Then did the three giraffes, chimpanzee, and two kookaburas mug Random for his booze and left him laying there looking at the lovely sky with all the stars, and it was good that the ground was already under him, or it would have hit him harder when he fell. Belgian waffles began to rain from the sky.
184. Were Lord Random in his right mind, this would have left him completely schizoid, but as he was using his left mind exclusively at the time with the right held in reserve, he was able to properly understand the underlying lesson of these events:
"Fooling around with Female Popes is at least as dangerous as three giraffes, a chimpanzee, and two kookaburas pretending they want Belgian waffles when what they really want is your fine aged charcoal mellowed Tennesee Bourbon."
185. And did his "other" brain agree, for while it was completely and utterly and in all possible ways, satisfied, it was completely and utterly and in all ways exhausted as well. Lord Random pondered the nature of women, waffles, whiskey, and navel lint until he drifted off into blissful slumber.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
186. And Pope Fay raised
one eyebrow and said unto Lord Random, "Er, uh... might it help you to
know that, er... I am not *physically* a female?"
"Yes!" Crieth Jesus, "LO AND BEHOLD! She is a
woman trapped in a man's body! More specifically, a bisexual woman in a man's
body."
187. And verily did Pope
Fay shape-change into a woman and say unto Lord Random, "You want to f***
again?" Then she looked around, surprised, and screamed, "WHO'S
CENSORING THIS F***ING THING? WHY THE F*** CAN'T I SAY F***!?!?! GOURD SPAM YOU!!!
EFF OFF!!!"
Whereupon she tore off all her clothes and ran around like a
madwoman into the forest.
188. And lo! Many people
saw her, and heard her rantings, and went home afterwards and told stories
about the madwoman of the forest to their children. Even though Fay soon got
better, she was still the stuff of legend centuries later.
189. Pope Fay, newly
recovered, said, "Watch 'Monk' on ABC! It's about a genius detective who
has obsessive-compulsive disorder!"
She then turned into a rutabega.
LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)
190. Lord Random was puzzled at this turn of events, but not entirely so. "Expecting the unexpected comes with the territory I suppose." He said. "I'm not so sure another guy is something I'm into, but whatever floats your boat or sinks it. I am definitely a lesbian trapped in a man's body." He added.
191. Wandering the Desert of the Etherial didst Lord Random determine the square root of his gotee minus the weight of his pubic hair divided by the hair in his left nostril equaled some number whose quantity was so utterly ponderous that he was unable to adequately express the equation without a map, which, sadly, he lacked.
192. Thus did Lord Random decide that math was best left to people with REAL problems to solve, not trivial body hair equations. Not trying this at home was something he never could quite convince himself to do.
193. And thus did Lord Random discover a license plate border that said: "Save the Whales because Extinction Sucks" and he mused: "Extinction means forever, and that's a mighty long time to be dead." And he extolled the virtue of his own bumper sticker on his very own Honda: "Boldly Going Nowhere."
194. But of course all these musings are of lesser importance to the entemology of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and the price of guava beans in Peru, which are most certainly at the forefront of every Peruvian who sells guava beans and every shareholder owning Krispy Kreme stock.
195. And thus did Lord Random spend innumerable hours cursing IBM for its POS Register computers, which he was attempting to install. After lengthy troubleshooting by sheer guesswork and wasting a lot of bullets shooting trouble in the ass, he finally loaded the fucking register. Trouble was bleeding profusely from the ass and pelvic region. Lord Random was not impressed. After all, IBM, UBM, we all BM. Even BMW.
196. And thus another fun-filled day of aimless procurement of worthless paper so as to keep the dreaded debt collectors from the door comes to a close, and closing the door on debt collectors is something most people take great pleasure in. "Keeping in the good graces of the church is a monumental pain in the ass" Said Lord Random to Nobody in Particular, who was, in fact, elsewhere. But Trouble, who wasn't elsewhere, made a whimpering moan of agreement.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
197. Pope Fay didst laugh
but then moan as she bemoaned her job as well, which made her sit all day long
calling people in their homes and trying to sell them insurance. It had its
moments, like when someone answered the phone while having sex, or wierd names
(someone once had the last name "Porn"), but most of the time, it was
a very Greyfaced job.
198. So Pope Fay went to
Telemarketing Anonymous (TA, formerly Telemarketing and Anonymous, or T&A,
but they'd gotten too many complaints). She went wearing a mask that looked
like Bill Clinton.
When it was her turn to speak, she
said, "Hello, may I speak with TA? Well hello, this is Pope Fay, and I'm
calling on behalf of Pope Fay to tell you that-- er... sorry. I'm Pope Fay,
and... I'm... a telemarketer." Whereupon she broke down in tears, and all
the people of TA gathered 'round to comfort her.
199. But fuck that, let's
move on.
200. Quoth the raven,
"Body odor can be cured, but exstinksion is forever."
"Aren't you supposed to say,
'Nevermore'?" asked Pope Fay.
"Fuck you. I'm tired of saying
that."
Then another raven landed beside the
first one, and they were perched on a scarecrow. Suddenly, the scarecrow moved,
and became Odin.
"Hiya, Pope Fay."
"Hiya, Odin."
"Do you know why I'm here?"
he said ominously.
"Uh... no."
"Neither do I," he said,
and promptly turned back into a scarecrow. The ravens then pecked out his eyes,
and even though it was a scarecrow, it was gross.
201. And Pope Fay was
beset upon by a fundie, preaching from the bible. So Pope Fay strapped on her
pink, rubber, strap-on book and said, "JEHOVAH IS A FALSE GOD! YOU ARE A
HEATHEN WORSHIPPER OF DE DEBIL!!!"
The Fundie said, "I most
certainly am NOT!"
Pope Fay replied, "Sure ya are!
It's all in the good book," and thumped on the pink, rubber, strap-on
book.
"I don't believe your
book," said the fundie.
"That's because you haven't
heard its Good News!"
"The bible is the only
Truth," said the fundie.
"No it's not. Mine is."
"No, mine!"
"MINE!"
"Oh bother! Let's see your
book!"
"NO!"
And the two fought over the book.
Finally, the book came undone, and the fundie leafed through the book. It was
naught but blank pages.
"There's nothing in here!"
"Exactly! Which is why it's
Truth!"
And the book and Pope Fay turned into
cartoon charecters, knocked out the fundie with a cartoon mallet, and bounced
away on pogo sticks.
LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)
202. And thusly did Lord Random wonder if Jesus came into his home and left the front door open and someone asked him:
"Hey, were you born in a barn?" He would be able to answer:
"As a matter of fact, yes."
203. And thusly does Lord Random well remember his days doing outgoing and incoming calls for a wide variety of clients and businesses. His favorite being technical support for Dell Computer. Strangely enough, his mother is a telephone reservationist, his sister is a telephone specialist for a credit card company, and his father is an accounts payable clerk for a telephone company. Lord Random does not sit on the phone all day anymore, all that plastic hurt his ass and he did grow fat from sitting all day.
204. And lo, these boots were made for walking, and that's just what they are gonna do, but first a message from our sponsor...*INSERT LOUD BELCH HERE*...One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
205. And thus did the Judge spake to the guilty:
"Before I pass sentence, I would like to take this opportunity to pass a little gas."
And the courtroom was ajourned. No verdict was returned. And Lenin read a book of Marx, the quartet practiced in the park, and we sang dirges in the dark, the day, the music died.
So bye bye Miss American Pie, drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry, and good ole' boys were drinking whisky and rye, singing this will be the day that I die, this will be the day that I die.
206. I have said it thusly, and thusly shall it be said. I spake it from the side of my mouth as well as the front and the other side. Walk a mile in my shoes and speak in forked tongues riddles which have little meaning and great substance, or great meaning and little substance. But speak them never-the-less, less-the-never ever again. For it is written, spoken, thought, masturbated, and twice baked. And so shall it be.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
207. Lo and behold, it was
revealed unto Pope Fay that sex is good, and frequent sex better. But then,
Pope Fay does not yet know for real, for she has not gotten any booty for about
9 years.
208. Suddenly, the page
ripped and a blue alien with 4 arms and two legs came running, chasing a
screaming crowd of people. It was revealed to be Saint Stitch, Discordia's
furry little mascot. Then he ran off, and began chewing the cover of this book.
209. And Lilo was revealed
to be High Priestess of Saint Stitch, and a devout Discordian.
210. So mote it be.
205.
Ihyeoiehflwngfjrwtyhuew yueyhr uyewhf ewyhf uewhfueweuoqoqoq ol.
LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)
211. And thusly didst thou cometh in great big circles barking at the moon, hoping to evoke the Goddess in her greatest ecstasy and take a whack at the cosmic pinata.
212. But alas, the Goddess let her answering machine take the call, as she was taking a long hot bath and did not want to be disturbed.
213. Thus did everyone and noone smack the cosmic pinata and let the sweet candy goodness of the universe dribble down the corners of their mouths and have a grand party where everyone got laid and snookered.
214. After the proscribed time didst all remain thankful that life is less predictable than the weather, which is to say hardly predictable at all, and thus embrace chaos as a natural state of being. The Goddess wept with joy.
215. Soon the throng began to move across the nation, and lo, across the world in a celebration of all things and all peoples. A party broke out and simply failed to cease. Enemy embraced enemy, cats and dogs began living as one, and even pitbulls and really mean people showed their softer sides.
216. And then Lord Random woke up with a jolt, realizing that not only was the whole thing a dream, but it was a wet dream.
"Damn!" Was all he could think to say.
217. As nocturnal emissions cum and go, this one was oddly dissatisfying.
218. Therefore didst Lord Random determine that he should consider the matter over a cup of hot coffee fed intraveniously.
219. And didst the Goddess come to him and spake thusly:
"Stowcahs whtowdi towehorwe. Fal wuhl vaele fralt thaenm." she said.
"What the...? Replied Lord Random.
220. The Goddess then spit out several wads of cotton from the dentist and said again:
"Stop worrying about it. We all have that dream." She said.
"You mean the one where everyone has a really good time and I cum?" He asked.
"You didn't have the dream where you're standing on top a pyramid as 1,000 naked women throw little pickles at you?" She asked.
"Oh, that dream! I had that one last week." He said.
"Oh shit, I can never get my timing right. " Spake Eris.
"Don't worry about that, neither can I." Said Random.
"Oh good then." Said Eris, and she kissed him long wet and passionately on the belly button and disappeared.
"I'll never wash my belly button again!" Cried Lord Random.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
221. Pope Fay then
commented, "I've never had that dream, but that makes more sense than some
of the ones I've had."
222. And lo! Pope Fay
downloaded a game called "Bob"Tris off of the SubGenius website. It
was like Tetris, except sometimes Dobbs' heads would fall down and fuck things
up, and the only way to be rid of them is to drop a pil on them. It became a
fun game where Pope Fay played enthusiastically for a long long time.
223. "Heya, this is
Jesus. Fay's playing "Bob"Tris right now, so I, uh... Shoikin asked
me to take over for Fay."
*Eerie, awkward silence for a minute*
"Uh... I'm not sure I have anything profound to say. Except
maybe... uh... DRINK JACK DANIEL'S!!!"
224. Shoikin put her hand
up to the camera. "Nothing more to see here, folks!"
225. There must be a
Creativity Vacuum in the room.